Time in a Bottle

We had never cleaned our kitchen pantry until this week. The fridge gets a good once-over every month when we wipe off the shelves and throw out any food item that has developed a green slime. I’ve had to toss out a lot of good guacamole dip based on this criterion.

As my wife started yanking stuff out of the pantry, I heard her gasp as she examined each of the jars and cans. Apparently, we had a lot of old purchases that had squirreled themselves away in the back. I’m not a big fan of discarding perfectly good food, but I do recognize, for example, that if you go to make a sandwich and there is an entire layer of blue-green fuzz over the top of the whole wheat bread, you only have a two-day window of opportunity to consume it before it could actually go bad.

In the back of the closet, we found Greenie Hard Chews for dogs. They would have been for our first dog back in 1981. The box said that they were “best used” by August of ’86. But what could go wrong with them? I wondered. Would they turn greener, get harder, even chewier? That worked for me, and probably for the dog. Back in the closet they went.

Then Mary Ellen handed me a bottle of Bookbinder Cocktail Sauce for shrimp. It said: “Use by October l997.” It looked fine, although I think shrimp sauce is supposed to be bright red, not black with maroon specks. I opened it and gave it a sniff. It smelled better than the fresh shrimp that had been in our fridge for only 36 hours. But I chucked it.

We found some Orville Redenbacher Popcorn and under Orville’s picture it said “Expires in 1995.” I put the jar back because I think that might have referred to Orville and not the popcorn.

We found some protein cereal bars that have the same shelf life as the cardboard box they are in. I’m not sure they are still going to be tasty, but I put a few in my glove compartment in case I ever get locked in my car and need a small crowbar.

There was a jar of honey, but I couldn’t read the expiration date. I tried to pry the cap off, but it wouldn’t budge. I ran it under hot water and banged the lid on the side of the counter. Maybe the top said: “Can’t be opened after August of ’01.”

There was also jar of tartar sauce that had no expiration date at all, but it did say “Famous since 1877.” I’m thinking this may have been a 100th year anniversary edition of the product, so I got rid of it. Anything that backwards spells rat rat, you need to be careful with.

Finally, we found a bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch salad dressing. I think the name tells it all. It had hidden from us for 17 years.

In an effort to economize and be less wasteful, the Wolfsies decided to prepare a dinner out of food that probably should have been discarded.

Popeye Spinach (Best if used by December of ’07)
Artichoke Hearts (Enjoy by March ’06)
Tomato Soup (Purchase by April ’07)
StarKist Tuna (Put in toxic landfill after October 2002)

We wanted something to accompany the dinner, and sure enough, we found a bottle of wine in the closet. But I poured it down the drain. You can take a chance with a can of asparagus from 2001, but a bottle of Merlot from l986 was just asking for trouble.