The Secret Word Is…

I received an email the other day from the college where I teach informing me that everyone on the faculty had to change the passwords we use to enter the university Website.

An independent consultant had determined that many of the terms we were using to log in were what they called “weak passwords.” I’ve been accused of a lot of things: a weak chin, a weak stomach, even being weak in the knees. But having weak passwords? The nerve!

I thought I used some pretty nifty ones in the past. For example, I once used LOIS for my ATM account. Lois was the first girl I ever had a crush on back in l956. I know this was a very good password because even Lois didn’t know she was my girlfriend.

I needed help, so I went to the university Website to learn more. They had posted a few guidelines.

It shouldn’t be a word in the dictionary

It shouldn’t be personal data

It shouldn’t be a pet’s name

It shouldn’t be a person’s name

Then they said, BE SURE YOU CAN REMEMBER YOUR PASSWORD.

Huh?

They asked me to offer some new passwords. I tried to sneak a few old favorites by them. But then they had the gall to actually rate them every time I recommended a new option.

I tried to revive LOIS but it was rejected, not only because it was WEAK, but because someone else was using it. I always suspected there was another guy back in ’57. Now I had the proof.

Then I tried my date of birth, just to see what would happen. A big red flag came up and the prompt flashed: VERY WEAK, claiming it was too easy to figure out by a would-be hacker. I think I look younger than my age, so this really annoyed me. Not only that, but no one has remembered my birthday in 25 years so I wasn’t real concerned about that info getting out.

I tried putting in BOB, who’s my best friend, but they just hated that. I think the prompt said: YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING.

No, I needed a strong password, so I put in HERCULES. It was rejected as WEAK. Then I tried SAMPSON. This time, VERY WEAK. I don’t think the people over at Information Services have read their mythology. But it did answer the 3000-year-old question of who was stronger.

At one point I was so frustrated that I couldn’t come up with a simple acceptable password, I just ran my fingers haphazardly across the keyboard.

VERY STRONG, said the prompt. PLEASE REMEMBER TO WRITE YOUR NEW PASSWORD DOWN. Write it down? I had no idea what I typed. Was it KKDFJHG or was it YQWOKW? My fingers may have done the walking, but they weren’t talking. My secret was safe with them.

I finally found a password that was acceptable. No, I’m not telling you what it is. But I will say it was deemed VERY STRONG. Then the Website asked me a series of personal questions so that I could retrieve it if my memory failed me.

The name of your first girlfriend.

Your best friend’s name.

Your favorite character in mythology.

This was a joke, right? Those wild and crazy guys at Information Services.

On second thought, here is my new password: J&U*HY*&^JG%^. I do want you to have it—just in case I can’t remember it.