Thanksgiving Prep: Crazy Relatives and Insane Rituals

As Thanksgiving approaches, a part of me becomes giddy and excited, while another part of me melts in horror at what is to come.

It’s a matter of knowing that the holiday is truly special, while also knowing that you must survive the occasional family oddball, the rantings of an irritating in-law and a bloated tummy filled with enough gas to levitate the Goodyear blimp. Half of me says, “Oh, I can’t wait!” The other half growls, “Are you kidding me? Another day with Crazy Uncle Phil?”

So why exactly do we subject ourselves to this ritual every year? If you respect the history of it all, it’s because the pilgrims with their funny hats decided to make nice with the local Native Americans, sharing a custom of eating too much and giving thanks for a plentiful harvest.

Today it means ignoring all dietary limitations, watching football as much as possible, and then complaining about how you can’t button your pants. It also means getting groups of people together, whether you like them or not, and trying to conjure up a feeling of peace and love when you really just want to drink a bottle of wine and go fetal in the closet. And at the end of the day, you think, “I’m never going to do this again,” only to forget your pain by the Fourth of July and do it all over again the following year.

Now, before you think, “This woman is a cynical, glass-half-empty kind of gal,” I’ll say that personally, my Thanksgivings have evolved into a most enjoyable affair. My family treks up to my in-laws’ house only two hours away, and we hang out. There’s no pressure, no drama. Just board games, wine and laughter.

However, much to my own resistance, I have also been indoctrinated into the Post Turkey Shopping Club. You know, those insane people that stop at nothing for a good bargain the day after Thanksgiving. In case you haven’t experienced membership, it goes something like this:
•    You study the shopping ads that come in abundance on Thanksgiving Day. You must draw circles around prospective bargains, create a game plan that includes the most efficient driving route, capitalize on early bird specials and identify the best discounts.
•    At an insanely early hour which should be deemed illegal, you stumble out of bed and throw on comfort shoes and sweats. You then grab a jumbo cup of coffee and head out in a cloak of pre-dawn darkness (think commando unit doing special ops in the jungle).
•    Shove, push and grab (whatever it takes) in order to proclaim the best gifts, unbeatable bargains and ultimately a checked-off holiday list.

So this year, as the holiday is upon us, I challenge everyone to remember what the true meaning of Thanksgiving is. Is it to eat like there’s no tomorrow? Well, partly. But it’s also to look around the table, gaze into the eyes of Crazy Uncle Phil and the quirky in-laws, and realize that family and friends are what life is all about. But don’t forget the antacid.