Ron Tuthill: Introducing the OBESE Plan …

I don’t know about you, but I marvel at the number of weight loss/body improvement programs that are out there.  Below is a thought that takes our physical well-being in a new direction.
The following is an advertisement. Like most advertisements of this kind, it really doesn’t have substantial statistics to support its claims.  Instead, it relies heavily on the premise that you are incredibly gullible and love eating.  And hearing what you want to hear, you determine it HAS to be true.

Introducing … OBESE – Overweight Because Eating Satisfies Everything

Are you tired of trying the latest diet fads guaranteed to turn you into a supermodel or babe-magnet? Are you tired of seeing athletes and models endorsing machinery and plastic, cheaply-made contraptions that are guaranteed to turn your body into that of an animated superhero? Are you tired of hearing miracle drug and vitamin performance claims to boost your circulation, respiration and motivation?

So are we. That’s why we’ve come up with a simple system that doesn’t cost you anything but your health.  It’s called… the OBESE Plan — Overweight Because Eating Satisfies Everything.

Finally, there’s a system that works for you, on your terms, at your pace, with your health.  Eat what you want, and become what you will.  Satisfy your appetites at the expense of your anxieties and stress. Answer the question “What if I ate this?” and get on with your life.

In the short time since we’ve introduced it, just listen to what people are saying about the OBESE plan.

• “I finally decided to stop worrying about my weight.  And what a difference!  In just three short weeks, I put on 35 pounds!  I don’t wear anything that has a waistband.  And, my cholesterol has jumped from 120 to 250.”

• “The OBESE plan has helped me see my future more quickly.  I’ve taken years off my life!”

• “By following the OBESE plan, I’ve gone from a Type 2 to a Type 1 Diabetic!  Now, I test my blood sugar ALL the time.  Not just when it’s convenient.”

These are just a few of the satisfied people who have found out that watching your weight is a lot more fun when it’s right out there where you can see it.

Why overeat guiltlessly only on Thanksgiving and Christmas? Now you can fill your plate over and over again, with no fear of ever losing weight!  With OBESE, you can eat like everyday is a holiday — every single day!

With the OBESE system, there are no special foods to buy. There are no calories to count. There are no grams to calculate. The only thing you’ll be counting is the number of chicken wings that come with the appetizer sampler!

Questions about calories, saturated fats, carbohydrates and protein become a thing of the past.  Wouldn’t you rather be reading recipes and menus instead of “Nutrition Facts” on the back of food products?  Well now you can!

The biggest question you’ll be asking is: “Why did I wait so long to eat the way I want to?”

Even doctors can’t argue the effects of the OBESE system:

• “My diabetic patients have increased dramatically.  Almost to a person, they all follow the OBESE philosophy.  On average, I put 12 people a week on insulin.”

• “Heart by-pass surgery has never been busier.  With people’s cholesterol levels increasing dramatically following the OBESE plan, blockages and coronaries are just a matter of time.”

Too good to be true?  Absolutely NOT!  You can take this plan to the grave.

The OBESE plan comes with:

• A four-volume set of Fatty Crocker Cookbooks, including the best sellers:

• Cooking with Lard for Meals that Slide Down Your Throat

• Desserts Using Breakfast Meats

And if you start on the OBESE plan today, we’ll also include:

• A list of restaurants within a 60-mile radius of your home that deep-fry their entire menu!

• Our booklet on the OREO transfat conspiracy.

• Tips on the best times to visit Golden Corral

Don’t put off eating another second!

Just call 555-12OBESE. Operators, psychologists, counselors, paramedics and general practitioners are standing by.