Phone Hex

It had probably been six or eight years since I bought a new phone. Not a cell phone, not an iPhone. Just a phone. This perplexed the 21-year-old at the office supply store.

“Let me understand this, Sir. You don’t want a phone for your pocket, a phone that sticks in your ear, or a phone for your car. You want a phone that just sits on a, on a …”

“A desk. Sits on a desk.”

“And you want it to have a…”

“A cord. Yes, I want a cord.”

“I haven’t been in that part of the store for a couple of years, but I just know we have them, maybe back in the corner next to the carbon paper and the floppy disks.”

Finally, the manager came over and directed me to the desk phones.. Some were really cheap, like 20-30 bucks, but then they jumped up to over a hundred and fifty dollars. The boxes proclaimed a number of exciting features.

Maybe I needed to upgrade and take advantage of the newest technology. I bought a pricey new model, took it home and eagerly opened the box. Out fell the directions. Sixty pages. HELLO! I just want to make simple calls.

I refused to be intimidated. If I could set up a computer (which I can’t) I could certainly plug in a phone. So I did. And I got a dial tone. Maybe I could throw the other 59 pages away. A few minutes later, my cell phone rang.

“Dick, it’s Bob. Are you there?  I’ve been trying to call you on your home phone and you don’t pick up.”

“Really? I have a new phone. But maybe it doesn’t ring?”

“Hmm, that’s usually a pretty standard feature. Did you get one of those 20-dollar jobs?”

“No. I spent a hundred and fifty big ones. The box here says I get caller ID, a programmed directory, call-waiting, one-touch dialing, interface with your computer, battery backup, mute button, conference calls, auto-redial and call history.”

“Does the box mention if the phone will ring?”

“Not a word.”

I found the troubleshooting number on the back of the directions. It said that I shouldn’t call for help using the phone that isn’t working, which sounded like pretty good advice. I used my cell.

“Hello, AT&T, I wonder if you can help me. My phone doesn’t ring.”

“When doesn’t it ring, Sir?”

“What do you mean, when doesn’t it ring? It doesn’t ring when someone is trying to call me.”

“How do you know that, Sir? Maybe no one is calling.”

“Well, of all the stupid things. Of course, someone is calling. I know that someone is calling because…because…Okay, very funny. Is this an old Bob Newhart routine? Look, what am I doing wrong?”

“Did you plug in the power cord, Sir?”

“The power cord? Why do I need that? It’s a phone, not a leaf blower.”

“Sir, phones today require an additional power source because of all the features. You’ll find that explanation on page 34, right next to how to interface your iPhone with the on-screen directory and the switchable data port. Or didn’t you get that far in the directions?”

“Look, Buddy, be careful—I’m up to the part about the mute button.”

That night I read every word of the directions. I plugged in the power cord and the entire phone lit up like a Christmas tree. A whole new world was before me. Suddenly, the phone rang. Finally.

“Hello.”

“Dick, it’s Bob.”

“Bob, I have to put you on hold while I automatically add your number to my directory and interface you with the data port system and then log you into the caller ID history.”

“Do you want to just call me back later?”

“No, I don’t know how to do that. They never mentioned that in the directions.”