Perfect Record

Dick Wolfsie

My wife is the most honest person I have ever met. My own honesty is a bit questionable, which kind of makes you wonder just how true that statement about my wife is. I don’t want to get sidetracked, but in a college philosophy class 30 years ago, a little conundrum like that one put me in therapy for almost two months.

Yes, my wife is honest. Too honest. Mary Ellen, for example, believes rules were made to be followed. This kind of harebrained notion caused a rift in the way we raised our son. Now, I am not a crook (they don’t call me Tricky Dick for nothing), but if my wife were a judge presiding over some of my behavior, I’d be in the slammer the rest of my life.

So when she was recently stopped by the police it crushed her, ruined her perfect record and pretty much put a damper on the rest of the millennium. My wife’s history was exemplary. She never had to stay after school, never cheated on a test, never cut in line, never told a lie, never even hot-wired a car. The woman was a saint. Until Saturday, that is.

When you have a perfect record—not just in driving, but in your entire life—being followed by a police officer is a perplexing experience. I have studied several psychological extracts on the best way to deal with the fuzz when they pull you over. I know statistically the best things to say and not say. I know, for example, that saying, “Officer, I was running out of gas, so I had to get home quicker,” just doesn’t work. Do your research. It pays off.

Mary Ellen, on the other hand, has no experience in this area. When she noticed the flashing lights in the rear view mirror, she waved the policeman around her. In fact, she waved him around her for about 42 blocks. Then it dawned on her that she was his target.

“May I see your license and registration, Ma’am?”

“Oh, there must be some mistake, Officer. I’ve never done anything wrong in my entire saintly life. I think you must have me confused with my husband.”

“Ma’am, I have to go back to the patrol car and check your record.”

“While you’re checking my record you might take notice of the fact that I have never cheated on a test, from kindergarten through my MBA. And this is especially noteworthy: I never let anyone look at my paper, either.”

“Ma’am, your license plates are expired.”

“How do you know that?”

“There’s a little sticker on the license plate. It’s last year’s.”

“Well, how can you expect me to see that from here?”

I actually tried that line once hoping to get a laugh from a policeman. I got a sobriety test instead.

When my wife returned home, she was very upset. “Dick, I was pulled over by the police today.”

“Don’t you just hate it when a heist goes bust?”

“Look, this is not a joke. Up until Saturday at noon, I had a perfect record. I had never done anything wrong in my life. Do you know what this stain on my reputation means?”

“A big celebration at the convent! You’ve moved a lot of the sisters into first place.”

Mary Ellen’s first brush with the law made her introspective. “You know Dick, this whole experience reminds me of something my mother always said, that marriage is the ticket to happiness.”

“And what did she say when she met me?”

“She just issued me a warning.”