Holiday Madness Requires Therapy – Quick!

Michelle Momper

It occurred to me this year, as I frantically searched for shopping bargains while untangling non-functioning Christmas lights, that there’s a greatly needed (and currently unavailable) service during the holidays. It’s a wonder no one has thought about it before: Minute Therapy Clinics.

Seriously, does it not make sense? During the craziest time of the year, no matter what your faith, wouldn’t it be brilliant to have self-help gurus standing in line, just waiting to rescue you from the hustle and bustle we know as The Holiday Season?

Imagine: forging the aisles at your local discount store, already angry because the Bakugan that your son so desperately wants is sold out, looking for the perfect present for Aunt Marge who has everything, and worrying about the stomach acid and migraines you’ve experienced over the week. You’d just have to check in at the clinic counter, say “I need help … I’m crumbling,” and a caring professional would escort you to therapy heaven.

Think about the possibilities! “How to Deal With Unwanted Guests,” Room 2A! “Teaching Your Spoiled Brats a Lesson,” Seminar Room. “Cleaning House In Less Than A Day,” Laboratory. “Say No to Inner Child Temper Tantrums,” Group Session.

Perhaps there could be a nice spa in the back with message therapists named Jean-Luc or Pierre waiting to knead away your stress. Ahhh, I can see it now: dimly lit candles, New Age music floating in the air, and thick, cuddly robes in which to disappear. Hey, and how about a margarita machine in the corner? Let’s throw in a mani and pedi for good measure.

I’d be willing to pay top dollar to someone who would sit down and listen to me rant about the in-law’s latest shenanigans while chiseling off the calluses on my heels. How about a group session in the steam room? Sweat out toxins and cry about credit card bills, all at the same time!

And as a bonus, a counselor could not only give you tips for handling your obnoxious uncle, but could also give you a to-die-for ham glaze recipe that will impress your critical mother! Ooh, and add a gift wrapping service while-you-vent.

The challenge would be to get health insurance companies to pay at least a portion of the bill. I have a feeling that if all of us crazed holiday planners, with mile-long to-do lists and deadlines looming, could all be stress-free and relaxed, there would surely be lower post-holiday medical costs. If we’re truthful, such Minute Therapy Clinics could possibly save our nation by improving overall mental health, thereby reducing sick visits and miscellaneous misdemeanors. I think I’m on to something. I’m going to contact my legislator.