Happy New Year! Bah Humbug!

Michelle Momper

Okay, so it’s a new year, and a new decade, all in one shot. Are you excited? Are you filled with hope and renewal? Personally, I can’t stand it. While I love New Year’s Eve in theory, and I’m certainly appreciative of the fact that I’m living to see it, I don’t care that much for the holiday itself. Here’s why:

Top Ten Lists. During the month of January, we must all endure the onslaught of well-intentioned journalists and media outlets screaming, “Top Ten Most Shocking Moments of 2009.” We’ll get to hear, ad nauseam, about the famous and infamous, and what they did or didn’t do. We’ll relive every natural disaster, every scandal, and every noteworthy happening of the year, with endless descriptions and explanations. My advice? Just turn off the television until February.

Parties. Okay, I like to have fun just as much as the next guy, but there’s definitely a tremendous amount of pressure built in to the whole New Year’s Eve and kissing-someone-at-midnight scenario. Oh sure, within a week or so you’ve either forgotten it or pushed it out of your mind, but then aren’t you secretly glad it’s just over? There is no other night with a built-in “Have Fun Or Else…” requirement. No one wants to be home alone on New Year’s Eve, munching on a store-bought pizza and watching the ball drop. So you are forced to dress up, or at least brush your hair, and go spend an evening with friends and/or strangers, staying up until midnight whether you like it or not. “Yay, it’s midnight! Kiss, kiss. I’m now going home to bed.”

Resolutions. Do you seriously know anyone that has ever made a New Year’s resolution and kept it? Or for that matter, does anyone actually REMEMBER their resolutions after the initial thirty days? Everyone wants to: lose weight, save money, be nicer or work out more. Just once, after a virtual stranger has asked me for the hundredth time what my New Year’s Resolution is, I’d love to yell, “I want to be as wide as a barn, let my roots grow out and become socially unacceptable!” But I won’t. I’ll just smile and say, “Hmmm… I’m still thinking about it.”

PHLD. Post-holiday-let-down might not be a recognized diagnosis, but by golly it’s alive and well at my house. Come on, you spend weeks upon weeks planning for Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa. Then all of a sudden … you got nothin’. No gifts to buy, no meals to plan, no guests to clean house for, no parties to attend. The decorations are back in storage, and your house looks bare. You’re simply stuck with run-of-the-mill days and leftovers for dinner. What’s it all about, Alfie? Just freezing weather and high heating bills. Is it too early to plan for Spring Break?

Don’t get me wrong. I love the holiday season, and it’s exciting to think about what the New Year will bring. I just hope that it doesn’t include enormous medical expenses or unpronounceable ointments. So, cheers! Cheers to a great year, filled with love and happiness. Wake me up when it’s spring!