As I set out to plan my family’s summer vacation, I realize a little too late that I lack a key skill set: military training. With endless packing and to-do lists before me, I imagine only highly trained military personnel could truly plan a family getaway with ease.
Oh, if it were just as simple as, say, making hotel reservations or packing a suitcase. This, my friends, would be a piece of cake. It’s the challenge of planning for the unseen, being ready for anything, and handling hostiles with force and precision that keeps me up at night.
For instance, say, a trip to an amusement park is what I have in mind. A simple-minded vacation planner (code name for spouse) might think that all you need to do is throw in a pair of shorts, a T-shirt and tennis shoes in order to enjoy the thrill of rides and non-ending lines. Tsk, tsk, tsk, my dear beginner, it’s so much more complicated than that.
One has to be prepared to handle such dramatic situations as physical dehydration (“I need a drink NOW!!!"), mental meltdowns (“I know we’ve been standing in line for three hours, Mom, but I’ve decided I don’t want to get on!”), and intense questioning without the use of torture (“Did you have your sunglasses when we left the hotel? And why is your sister crying?”).
Even though said vacation might be held in civilization, you must also pack provisions as though you will be based in the center of the desert for seven days. This means a first-aid kit ready and available, extra sun block at all times, bug spray, antihistamines, tissues, snacks, drinks, reading material, games, activity books, engaging music and a detailed map of rest stops. And that’s only for the first 15 minutes of the trip!
Of course, top secret negotiations are always a necessity when it comes to traveling with a large group, whether it’s talking your spouse into spending the extra money on better seats (“Honey, if the kids can actually SEE the baseball players, they’ll be so much better behaved!”), or using meaningful threats in order to get your children to stop fighting (“Quit calling your brother a dinkybrain, or that Nintendo DS is mine!”).
Surveillance is always a big part of family vacations, and that particular skill I have covered. In fact, I have it down to a science. Why, I can pretend to read a book, overhear a complete conversation of inebriated college students in the pool, stay tuned to my children arguing over water toys, and still know the exact time to reapply sunscreen. All this while keeping an eye on the strange man in the hot tub with the ill-fitting swimsuit, and studying the colorful bug bite on my leg.
Lacking any serious time as a Navy SEAL, I’m afraid that I’m going to just have to rely on old-fashioned common sense to get me through this summer vacation. Make lots of lists, check them all twice, and then take no responsibility when things go wrong. I don’t see a problem with that.
